I Deal With

Death very differently than most.
It stems back to when my Uncle Larry passed away when I was younger and I didn't understand nor did I want to believe that he was gone forever so I put it in my head that my aunt and him simply wanted the family to get together and that when I saw him, he was going to stand up and say surprise and that we would all just be together and have a party.
Now, obviously I'm fully aware that that's not true, however, it has led to me dealing with death differently. I have a really hard time grasping that someone is gone until I actually see them at the showing/funeral. I literally have the damnedest time accepting that they are 100% never going to be on this Earth again until I see for myself that they are gone.
I'm not going to get to see my Grandma one final time. I don't get to talk to her face to face again. I don't get to give her one last anything.
I've been talking to her and praying all day and have constantly been crying and it obviously isn't really getting any better.
I am, however, realizing that when I get home, she won't be there to hug me and call me her baby. I won't get to have family Christmas with her this year. And I will never have her amazing food again.
I do know that she loved me more than any Grandma has ever loved a granddaughter and that she was so proud of me for doing absolutely everything that I do in life and I know that she knows that even though I can't be at her funeral because I'm in a different country, it makes not a single difference in how much I love her and how much I miss her.
There's a part of me that knows she's pissed because I'm going through this so far from home but I also know that God has comforted her in this new journey just as He is here for me now.
I will never forget my Grandma Nancy. She was a friend. How many 21-year-olds can say that their Grandma was truly a friend? I am fortunate to be able to say this and more than lucky to have had her in my life for 21 years.
She is an amazing woman and I know she is with my Great Grandma watching me and rooting for me every step of the way through my life.
Grandma,
I love you. I don't know why this had to happen while I was away and while I was gone the whole semester so we couldn't talk as much but I think it's partially to show how strong our bond is because I have loved you and thought of you just as often or more this semester than I do while I'm in MO. I'm going to live the rest of my life proving to you that you had an impact on my life and that impact was always showing me that hardwork and love are two things that can get you through life.
I'll always remember you and you have made a huge impact on my life.
This month here is for you because I know you'd want me to be here.
I love you.

Positive-Now, she'll always be with me.